EP 174 : Defining Motherhood
Our routes to motherhood can be extremely varied, all with complex emotions involved.
Meet Becky Kearns.
Mum to three gorgeous little girls. At 28 Becky was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and told we pretty much had to start IVF straight away. Her first cycle worked but she suffered a missed miscarriage. Becky however then went through five cycles of IVF.
In this chat, Becky talked about her decision-making process in coming to terms with the idea of using donor eggs to have her family, and how because she got pregnant it delayed her decision to use a donor. “A lot of things mess with your mind. So it was 12-18 months after my first diagnosis that I decided to use a donor” she explained.
Becky talked about how at first her husband Matt wasn’t keen on the idea and the emotional stress that caused, how she suddenly started to consider what if using a donor was her only option and he didn’t want t go down that route, what did it mean for their relationship. As it happened, their roles switched as when they had first a consultation, Becky talked about her wobble and how Matt supported her through
Using an egg donor
There’s no denying, this is a huge decision that has to be talked through and properly understood. Becky had never know anyone who had struggled with infertility and describes finding out about the world of infertility as one thing in itself to get your head around world and then there’s the donor conception world. She talked about it seeming so alien and how she really had to start from scratch.
Becky also said that she struggled to find any positive stories, she wanted to see the reality and found more information after searching through forums and made a very significant and important friend. ‘ I met a lady who has a little boy with donor eggs, she never once said – do it, she let me decide in my own time. Seeing the bond they have gave me that reassurance I needed’
Becky talked about the challenges ahead and how she is now working with Jana Rupnow who I spoke to in my first Alternative Parenting episode and you can listen to here The pair will be launching an Instagram Live series on Wednesday 20th March talking about issues such as Parental attachments and How to Tell a child.. Read Becky’s blog here Follow her on Insta and find out more about her #fertilitysupportsaturday campaign
Meet Mel Johnson,
Solo Mum and founder of The Stork and I which you can hear all about here in our previous episode In this chat, Mel and I caught up on the reality of being a solo motherhood – the journey and the rollercoaster
Mel talked about loneliness and how she struggled initially with the lack of adult company whilst she was on maternity, having Daisy for the full day, learning to be a Mum and then going into the evening routine, that period where you’ve done the whole day, you’ve got them to sleep and you’re like yes..and you’ve got to sort everything… and then you can get on to you and then there’s silence.. there’s nobody to chat to, to help you tidy up and if that goes on night after night it becomes very lonely and that’s not to mention you don’t have a social life.
As Mel was going back to work, she found after a day at work and then the evening routine she felt very lonely, so she worked out how to make it better. Being extremely organised. Mel now books her diary so far in advance, have things planned to do… social things, work things, anything she wants to do book it in and figure out where it fits
Mel spoke about how your mindset changes and how she has to organise things. She also realised she was deselecting herself from things because she thought she’d be putting people out or tagging along with Daisy, but realised she couldn’t be further from the truth
Turning Point as a Solo Mum
Mel also talked about the ‘turning point’ when she felt more like myself… how 2018 the year of the tracksuit, something we can all relate to and we spoke about the impact of getting up and getting dressed making a massive impact on your mental health
We also spoke about productivity – it’s very much about what works well at what time. The period of time when Daisy is at nursery, the period of time when we’re together and period of time when she’s asleep, Mel explained how she plans it all. Mel talked about how the transition back to work was positive as she was honest with them about what she wanted – and her advice is to ask for everything they can only say no.
Do you have a partner?
She also explained about how day to day, everyone presumes you have a partner because I have a child. People look shocked when they see Daisy and she’s quite young and Mel explained what she tell’s them that she has chosen to have her on her own.
Some people she tells more to “Because I’m 40 and I thought if I didn’t I might miss out on the chance of motherhood”
Mel says: “I always advise people to get a soundbite they are comfortable with. I’ve had an absolutely positive experience, but so many people come from the presumption that you have a partner.I don’t want anyone to think I am stuck in this circumstance it’s my preference that people know I choose to go into this”
Mel works with a lot of other women helping them to frame how best to tell their story. We also spoke about ‘Guide parents’ Mel explained how “someone asked me the question ‘have you got someone you are substituting that partner role with and I said there’s not one person, there’s many. I’m not into swimming, so I’d asked on my male friends who love to swim if he’d take her and he was so keen”
Source: The Fertility Podcast